I Remember Everything
by Saint Lucifer-The Damned
Summary: PG-13 for subtle minimal yaoi-ness. This is another one sided non-dialogue fic. It's a bit of a love triangle if you ask me, which you didn't, but i'll have my say anyway! Please enjoy.


_This is another non-dialogue fic. I actually enjoy rereading this one. (very unusual for me. I hate my work) Please, I hope you all enjoy it too. _

_Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever owned Gravitation. (except all the episodes!!! fangirl squeal)_

_**I Remember Everything**_

I remember everything.

Well, sometimes I'm not there and I can only vaguely recall what happened. What I remember are feelings, not really flashes of what happened.

Like how I felt after seeing you for the first time. That time in the park, remember?

I remember how you made me feel then, just at a glance. Since we were stuck together after that, my feelings were only intensified.

I remember how your hair shined softly, how your eyes were always kind. Even if there was something a bit underlying in them.

I can feel my emotions through my eyes. No matter how hard I try, I can always feel the emotions I try to hide just pour out of these blue orbs.

Could you do the same? Do you remember how your eyes felt when you looked at me?

Sometimes it was almost a… _slimy _look.

I remember how badly I wanted to please you, but couldn't. I remember how you wanted me.

I remember how I couldn't make you happy?

Do you remember how I trusted you? Do you remember the lies I had to tell people just so I could be with you?

Did you appreciate any of it?

I remember that question: Will be together forever won't we?

I don't remember your answer. I can see your lips moving, but there's no sound. What was your answer?

I've been begging for your forgiveness for… I can't remember how long. Somehow, I think even if you were to forgive me, I would still punish myself like this. I put myself through hell even after all these years.

I remember that night. I remember how I turned you away, and in turn, you gave me what I deserved.

Even through all the trauma and anger and hurt, I know I deserved it.

But you didn't.

You didn't deserve how I reacted.

I know what I did was wrong. I blame myself every waking moment. I wish you were here now, by my side. I wish I could take all that pain and torment away from you, even though you seem to be in peace.

All these emotions… I can feel them in my eyes. Suddenly though, they've taken shape…

Tears.

I brush them away silently, clumsily. I don't know how to deal with them. Like a child, I run my sleeve under my nose, dropping my head down, leaving it to hang.

I hate this.

My head hurts so bad… like another voice in my head. It tells me how I can end this. How I can make amends to you.

My penance.

But I know I can't leave. Believe me, I've tried. On more than one occasion. There is…

How can I tell you this? I hope your soul won't twist in further agony…

I don't have only you to worry about anymore. I don't mean myself either, I've just forgotten about myself after all these years.

The door opens, shedding a thin beam of dusty light. I hear tentative footsteps. I can almost hear the worry in how he walks. I dip a bit on the bed, he's taken a seat next to me. I reach for him, well, more like his outline. I pull him close to my chest, he's speechless. I settle ourselves more comfortably on the edge of the bed, I know I'm still crying. He watches me, his eyes glowing in the dark, as I raise my head towards the ceiling defiantly. As if tempting a Higher Power.

This is why I, once again, cannot give you what you need.

This warmth shared between us, this is why.

This silky feel of his hair under my chin, this is why.

This touch of his fingertips as the push away my tears, this is why.

This feeling of completeness I have when our lips meet, this is why.

I can't leave him, and I can't let you leave me. I've taken you with me for the rest of my life. Millions see your name everyday, only less than a handful understand why I did this. Why I do it to myself. Maybe this is my penance, to live in the past and the present as one, being torn in two directions.

I remember everything.

But to make sure I never forgot, I left myself a reminder. I used your name, I still use your name. Very few call me by little else. It's a bittersweet thing to hear your name directed at me, but sometimes I relish in that feeling.

I feel a slight chill and realize my shirt has gone missing, but it doesn't matter, warmth replaces the little chill almost immediately. I love having him in my arms, the way he tastes, smells, feels. My mind smacks me out of that moment, because I realize that you could in fact be watching us. I never ended my… prayer? You could call it that. It feels like I've left the phone off the hook and I know someone else is still on the other end, listening.

I didn't care.

That shocked me, but at the same time fueled my passion. I had him under me now, the rest of our clothing gone. I taught him well. I needed him right now. I realized that I didn't need sex with him, I just needed to be near him. But this was the only way I knew how to show him my feelings. I continued on, knowing full well who was on the other end of this 'phone line'. I went on in front of whoever or whatever could be looking in, making him mewl under me.

I remember his favorite things.

I remember his addiction to Strawberry Pocky. His Kami-sama like worship of Nittle Grasper. More over, his worship to Sakuma Ryuichi's voice. I remember all the little things about him too. His love of anything orange, glaring orange, not just regular orange. I remember that soft spot he has on his inner thigh. The way he likes it when I brush my fingertips lightly on the back of his neck. Just light touches anywhere really. The way he looks before he's going to cry. How he drinks anything like a little kid. The way he remembers things about me.

I'm back in bed, out of my thoughts. Somehow I've wound up on the bottom with his little body on top of me. I'm nervous for a moment, I don't know what he's going to do, and I'm not ready to have anyone, let alone him, take me. I wait, sweating in the darkness, cotton sheets under me…

Bliss.

Pure, complete bliss.

He has impaled himself on my length. His tiny hands claw at my chest, my larger ones wrap around his hips. We found our rhythm together, the same one as always, the one I never grew tired of. I hit something deep inside him, it was past love, past pleasure, it just was. It was us. I had no intention of hanging up what last occupied my mind. Because, if he had truly wanted to see me happy, even after all of that, he needed to see this.

This may not seem to be a reasonable penance, after all, who is suffering more?

In my opinion, it's the one atop me. He has no clue what goes through my mind. He has no idea why I react like I do. I think he suffers most, not seeing that I live two lives.

So make this easier on me, please?

I push up hard with my hips as he comes down, my hands forcing him down harder. With that, his back arches, head thrown back, eyes shut tightly. Then, I hear it. I allow him to call me by my real name in bed, he usually takes full advantage of it. But I hear him call my name.

Your name.

Our name.

I'm completely satisfied without coming, happy that I gave my lover something special. I bundle the sweating kid into my arms, a sigh of relief escapes me. There's a mess, but I don't mind. Yet… I have an eerie feel about the room. I somehow know that the phone has yet to disconnect.

Then I feel it: Soft, cool leaving a tingle as it flows through my ear…

"_Let it go"_

Then I feel, as if whatever presence there was, has left the room. Maybe it was just my mind, maybe it was real, or maybe it was the little one curled up in my arms. Doesn't matter. Either way, I feel as if I'll never have to make another 'call' like that again.

I look down at Shuichi, who, through slitted eyes was looking at me, pretending to be asleep, or in a state of deep euphoria. I smile softly, running a hand through his sweat-dampened hair.

Maybe he knew more than he always let on.

I look at him hard, engraving this moment in my heart, trying to remember it forever. All of it, this new freedom I feel, this love in my heart and eyes…

Can't be too hard though, right?

After all, I remember everything.

_Aaaaahhh… I was deeply satisfied with this fic. I don't know why, but even as I reread it, I feel touched somewhere. That's unusual for me with my work. It's seems poetic in a way, doesn't it?_

_Did you like how that went? _

_I was trying to leave everyone clueless in the beginning, did it work? I like how it molded itself into a thing between Yuki and Kitazawa, and then Yuki and Shuichi._

_Honestly, I told myself never to write a Yuki/Kitazawa fic. I just thought they all turn out the same. In my opinion, it did, but I still enjoy it._

_Funny how one little word changes everything, y'know? I said 'enjoy' instead of 'like'. Somehow, that makes it seem more filling. Yup, that's the word to use. It was filling._

_Not sure I like the ending much, seemed a little 'eh' to me, what did you guys think?_

_Welp, I hope you enjoyed it, and will actually review this time after you read it. My other fic: _It's Easier to Run_ went a while before getting some reviews. When you guys don't review at all, I think you hate it. Don't hate it! Ooohh… now I'm sad…_

_Anyway, please review if you have the time._

_Hi-chan_


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